“I was so busy surviving my life I had no soul to live it…” I read this in a book a few months ago and it described my life for the last 3 years. I was in a relationship with what I thought was the man of my dreams, the one that I would share the rest of my life with. Our wedding was planned for the September long weekend of 2008.
In June of 2008 I made a major life changing decision with my family’s help and intervention. My dream life was about to all come crashing down. My fiancé was extremely abusive in many respects and controlled every aspect of my life. He separated me from my family and was slowly secluding me from the life I had before I was in a relationship with him. A number of things were brought to the surface in May of 2008 and one being the number of women he was in a relationship with, the financial burdens I was unaware of and a number of other aspects of his life I had no idea about.
While learning that my fiancé was living a double life, my family stepped in and supported me with the decision to leave, although difficult and wanting to believe that it was all a lie and just a dream. I found the strength to leave.
Within the last 7 months I have begun to realize the extent of the abuse he placed on me. It is amazing how deep the wounds are when you are in a relationship with someone who abuses you emotionally, mentally, financially, sexually and verbally. I have found my voice and have been so empowered with what I have been able to do without him in my life. My entire focus has been on just me and only me. Loving and forgiving myself are the reasons I get up everyday, they are the reasons that I have been able to accomplish what I have in such a short period of time, they are the reasons I can heal. One day I will forgive him, but I will never be able to if I can’t love and forgive myself first. I have made the decision to not be angry, or shameful or feel guilty for my relationship or what he did. I have chosen to tell my story and help other women find their voice and find the dreams they lost.
With a lot of work and continuing my healing journey I have started working on a documentary to help young women understand what types of abuse are out there, and to know they have a voice and can be empowered to take control of their lives. I have learned through this journey if better is possible is good good enough… For me I was living a life that was good or okay and now I have found my soul and I am living each day with a purpose and determined to be an authentic woman who loves herself.
I would love to have a photo shoot like this because I was never comfortable with my body in my relationship. Since I left I have lost 45lbs, I started running and training for a triathlon. I am so proud of the work I have done on my head, heart and body. To me it would be very special to see it all together in a picture being a whole woman. Many women I am sure are hoping to have these pictures for their spouse or significant other, for me I want to give them to myself a gift of how much I love my body, my heart, my soul…
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